The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam Buxton And Edith Bowman 01 12 2012 (01 December 2012)

This afternoon from 3, Giles Peterson.

At 1, Liz Kershaw.

Right now, it's Adam Buxton and Edith Bowman.

Something's wrong cause my mind is fading And everywhere I look there's a dead end waiting Temperatures dropping at the rotten oasis Stealing kisses from the leprous faces

Heads are hanging from the garbage man trees Mouthwash, jukebox, gasoline Pistols are pointing at a poor man's pockets Smiling eyes ripping out of his sockets Got a devil's hand

on the sympathy crutches.

Discount orgies on the dropout buses.

Pitching a ride with the bleeding noses.

Coming to town with the briefcase blues.

Got a devil's head.

Is it dead?

I was feeling so depressed, I tried to hide away From violence and hate and creepy people every day Then I discovered something that made me feel so gay They took me in and fixed me up and now I got to say It was A&E who done this to me, yes it was

Strip the sun

Falls on 6 Music from their new album Holy Fires coming out 11th of February.

Before that, a nice bit of Beck.

Morning!

Thanks to the hawk.

The Hawk.

Yeah.

The Hawkman.

Chris the Hawk.

Hawkstar.

Yeah.

Hawkeye.

Good job.

How are you doing, Edith?

Really good, actually.

You?

Yeah, very well.

I'm Adam Buxton.

How are you doing, listeners?

Nice to be with you.

Saturday.

It's cold, man.

It's so cold.

Frosty.

So it's nice to be in a warm studio here.

You've still got your coat on, actually, yeah.

Is your hair that cold?

I do, yes.

I like wearing a coat, though.

If it was up to me, I'd wear a big duffel coat all the time.

You know what I mean?

What was that?

Was that you?

Breakfast.

Was that your tummy?

That was very loud.

We could play that back later on.

That was amazing.

It was like a door creaking.

Are we gonna, is there gonna be more?

You've not had breakfast or is that your breakfast?

I did, I even made breakfast and brought it in with me as well.

Well eat it then.

Oh you've eaten it, that was the breakfast.

The enormous bottle that I'm holding in my stomach is just not full yet.

That was your little child processing it.

Maybe he wasn't talking.

He was trying to say, oh it's coming up in my throat.

That's disturbing, isn't it?

Yeah, really quite wrong.

Well, let's tell, let's tell your unborn child what's coming up in the show then.

I mean, teasing is not something I would normally do, but we've got, you know, we've got stuff, right?

So I was thinking that we could, we could flag some stuff.

You're nervous.

Why are you nervous?

Cause I made my first jingle for you.

First jingle.

I know it's not just for you, but you're pretty much the don of Jingle King.

Well, I'm in front of you and I'm the Jingle King as we established.

I'm like Santa.

And I'm in charge of jingles and I will infiltrate the jingle world.

Yeah.

And it's week three for us here on Six Music.

And I feel as if we are on sufficiently solid footing now that I can be completely candid with you and honest with you.

Yeah.

And you're not going, I mean, we've established last week that you're a cryer, right?

Yeah.

So are you going to get all cryy?

Well, it depends because there was a bit of anger in me this week as well, which came out.

I just think emotions are running high.

So maybe just take that into consideration slightly.

Okay, but I want your honesty.

Yeah, because it's the only way I'm going to improve Okay, so I'm gonna be tiptoeing around Edith's feelings later on when she When she unveils the new jingle she's done And what is the jingle for it's for life of Brian are picking a track for Brian Eno, right?

So it's a jingle for picking a track for Brian Eno and you will have picked the track as well, right?

I have picked a track this week as well.

When will we do that?

Maybe later this hour.

Yeah, let's do it later this hour

okay um in yeah sort of uh just before 11 then that gives me two hours to recover all right sounds good we've got memory bank of course we're going to be telling you what the subject of memory bank is and it's we got a lot of good clips to play you for that as well amazing response from people we've talked to yeah good stories about our subject and it sort of follows on quite nicely from last week's losing it stories as well but you'll find out what we're talking about uh

in the beginning of the next hour.

We'll find out if you are in fact the master of mind.

That's right.

Well, I'll tell you about that very shortly, maybe after the next track.

And what else?

Oh, yeah.

Bears.

Right.

Where have the bears been?

Everyone wants to know about that.

What?

Yeah, but shut up.

What about the bears?

Also I should say that I did a lot of shouting last week because we were talking about losing it right so it was it was germane to the show so I was shouting unusually a lot and I noticed there was a few tweets from people saying shush stop shouting can you please stop shouting well to begin with no technically I can't stop shouting so I can't guarantee there won't be any shouting but I'll try and reduce the shouting levels this week if at all possible.

So where did the bears go?

They've been all over the place.

They went to Italy, they went to Bergamo in the Italian Alps.

If you haven't listened before, listeners, welcome.

These are... They're not real bears.

No, these are two sort of knitted effigies of myself and Edith.

Yeah, mine's is actually Adam's mum, er, dad.

Yeah.

That's been made to look like me with a someone, previous person's wig and a Jimmy hat attached to it.

Yeah.

Not sexist or in fact racist at all, but it's fine.

And Adam's little sailor boy.

Yes, and my old Adam and Jo show ad t-shirt to identify them as us.

And we've been letting people take care of them each week.

If you want to take care of our bears and show them a good time and photograph them in exciting and exotic locations, just get in touch with the show.

The email address is adamandedith at bbc.co.uk and outline some kind of plan and the most exciting plan wins and we'll sort of send them off.

I mean, it's not a competition, really.

Just to have fun with our bears, Sandy Tweedy, our flight dispatch gentleman from Birmingham airport had them this week.

He lost them in Birmingham airport so we'd like a little bit more concentration and, you know, take this seriously please.

And he, there's photographs on the six music Facebook page of them on the way to Italy in a plane that looks as if maybe it was made in the fifties.

They're on very uncomfortable looking seats and they're up on in the cockpit on top of a steering wheel, but that looks as if it's just a big sort of blown up version of a little Lego steering wheel.

We're not quite sure if it was a wheel or not.

What's the word for a steering wheel in a plane?

Joystick.

Is it?

Is that on a helicopter?

I don't know.

Well, if you're a plane man, can you please tell us, is it a joystick or a wheel, a steering wheel?

Thank you.

OK, so listen, let's play some music and afterwards I'll tell you how it went on Mastermind.

Is there anything else we should say about the bears?

Just email us, let us know where you want them to go.

Yeah, exactly.

Don't lose them.

sky

Gonna be with my baby

Open up the sky.

Cause I'm coming up to you.

I'm coming up to you.

So send down your way.

That's Eddie Floyd with the song about Big Bird from Sesame Street.

This is Adam and Joe.

No, it's not.

Okay, that's bound to happen at some point.

This is Adam and Edith.

Joe's gone.

I don't know where he is.

He's gone.

All right.

So he's fine.

He's absolutely fine.

He's in Hollywood somewhere having a good time, probably with Quentin Tarantino.

And I'm here with Edith.

Thank you, Edith.

It's my pleasure for being here, Adam.

I really appreciate it.

do you know you were never part of a double act were you well maybe you and Colin Colin yeah Colin and I did but people didn't get you confused I mean people call me Joe a lot anyway so you've never had that never had the Ant & Dec thing no yeah no which I don't mind I mean I don't mind people calling me Joe yeah it's fine I think he gets very upset when people call him Adam so listen earlier in the week I went on Celebrity Mastermind

the it's notorious throughout the world as being the hardest and most intellectually rigorous challenge for a celebrity's mind that there is and really some people say oh you know it's a little bit easier on said no

Absolutely not.

It's harder.

If anything, it's much harder.

I'm being ironical.

In fact, it is quite a lot easier on Celebrity Mastermind, the questions that is.

And the thing is that I was fixated on the competition part, the question answering part of the process.

Of course you would be.

Right.

And we were talking about this before you tested me on some, actually that gave me confidence when you tested me last week.

On your general knowledge?

Yeah, I thought, okay, well, in fact the questions you gave me were a lot harder than the ones I actually got in the show.

I can't say how I did in the actual show because that's a surprise for when you watch it.

I think maybe it's Christmas but I'm not sure there is no... Oh please let it be on a Christmas day, that would be amazing.

It would, it would be an amazing Christmas present for...

The world.

All of the world.

But so my special subject was David Bowie in the 1970s.

And I swear to you, as soon as I knew I was going to go on the show a month or so ago, I started reading everything there was to read about Bowie.

I know, literally, folks, you can ask me any question you want.

Now you can send the questions in, right?

Yeah, you couldn't because I didn't want to spoil it for the show.

But yeah, fire off a few trivia questions and I'll do my best to answer them.

I feel as if I'm pretty on top of it.

In the end, I didn't need to swat up at all.

It was more or less stuff like, what's David Bowie's, you know, real name?

Are we talking like the crossword quiz that used to be the back of smash hits type questions?

I would say, yeah.

I mean, you know, what colour is a carrot as well?

That would have been one of the harder questions in the general knowledge But that said when you're on the chair and you're staring at Humphreys and it's dark and the audience are there and the music's going it is terrifying and It's very hard in those situations to keep calm and some of the obvious questions like well one of them that I can say I would think without spoiling things too much was a

who... which theatre troupe or university outfit was comprised of Peter Cook and Dudley Moore and Jonathan... man... I can't remember his name!

This is a really good sign as to how well you did!

Jonathan Miller and the other guy, the little playwright Alan Bennett.

I mean this is what my brain is like a lot of the time.

So I wasn't able to provide them with the very obvious name of their theatre company which you can, well it was it was Beyond the Fringe was their little troupe and I couldn't summon that on the spot you know but other than that I did okay on the questions.

The thing I didn't prepare for that I really should have done was the chat with John Humphreys.

Surely it's just like, hey, how are you doing?

Why have you picked this subject?

You would think, wouldn't you?

Also, he asked me, what's the name of your charity?

Couldn't remember the name of the charity properly.

I sort of plucked it eventually, but I think I got it slightly wrong.

Huge fail.

That's going to be disrespectful of the charity for a start, which was the Norwich Tanzania Association or Trust.

I still can't remember which.

Oh, what a great spokesman.

And so I just didn't prepare for the whole being on television bit, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I looked scruffy.

Was there a live audience there as well?

Yeah, yeah.

It's a small audience.

Yeah.

But still there, I would say, mainly people that wouldn't know who I was and not easily amused by a little scruffy man with a beard.

And I did look scruffy compared to the rest of the contestants and stuff.

Did you wear a suit?

No, I haven't really got a suit.

the only suit I have I've grown out of a long time ago and so I just had a sort of weird scruffy jacket on and and my hair is quite middle-of-the-road at the moment and my beard was all over the place and then so with a conversation with Humphreys it went on for about six or seven minutes

And it was just a disaster.

It was like the worst gig I've ever done in my life.

Bits of it keep coming back to me right through the week.

I've just been going, oh, no.

Oh, no.

So like he starts off by saying, so you make these videos.

He focused on my YouTube videos, right?

Yeah.

You make these videos.

They're quite surreal, aren't they?

I don't know if he's ever actually seen one.

And he said, why do you make these videos?

What are they?

It's like, ooh, I don't know.

Uh, they just, I just make, I don't know what they are.

Uh, well, and so I was literally, I was struggling.

I was like, well, uh, but sometimes I make music videos.

Um, you know, I love music videos and, and often I make videos for some of my songs because I'm, I'm a, uh, I sort of said, I'm, I'm actually one of the best, uh, and most talented songwriters in the UK, John.

And so he goes, oh, really?

And modest with it, I see.

So I was like, okay, he's not going to get my hilarious gags.

And then he said, well, what do you do in these videos?

I said, well, I just jump around a bit.

Well, can you do some?

And he didn't make you stand up and jump.

So I said, you know, I should have just said no.

In fact, what I should have said is you've never seen any of them.

Have you, John Humphreys, you mad Tory man?

radio for and But what I did was I was trying to be obliged He's always jumped up and started doing this dance which involved me kind of playing the bongos on my nether regions There was absolute silence in the audience and I said, that's my castanets dance John He said yes, I can see

Did the tumbleweeds just come through?

It was tumbleweed city.

And then he said something about, do you think most of the stuff on the internet is fake?

I said, no, it's all real.

Not like TV, which is a ludicrous tissue of lies.

He said, what do you mean by that?

I said, well, you know, like, and I was just, I had nothing.

I was totally reaching.

And I just said, you know, like David Attenborough with his so-called nature documentaries.

I mean, they're just lies, aren't they?

He just dubs on sounds of

creaking when they've got speeded up footage of plants growing.

He didn't like that.

He looked genuinely angry like he was going to come over and lamp me.

I was only joking but...

You have to keep it in.

I really hope it makes the final cut.

It's a disaster.

An absolute disaster.

Shall we get him on the show?

Yeah, why not?

I never want to see him again, actually.

And also, I was listening to Radio 4 this morning.

I was listening to the Today programme and it made me feel a bit sick.

Just hearing his voice.

Let's cheer you up then with one of your tunes then.

Tame Impala.

This is one of the ones I rescued from my dead hard drive.

You did it?

Well, no, actually I didn't, but I found a backup.

hooray from from a year or so ago and I and this is so this is not the new album but this is their album from 2010 yeah in a speaker alter ego gosh I really love this I mean all the tracks are good on that album if you like a bit of Australian psychedelia mate and you can't go wrong with the Impala this is alter ego

For everyone

And we're the only ones who know

Good effort, mate.

Tame Impala with Alter Ego.

Yeah, that's Adam Buxton talking here now.

Morning.

How you doing, listeners?

I'm here with Edith Bowman on BBC Six Music, and we're very happy to be here.

Thank you so much for tuning in.

Coming up in the show today, we are going to be launching our chat topic in Memory Bank just in about half an hour or so.

I've made you a mixtape.

I've made you a little mixtape as well.

Yeah.

Let's unveil those relatively soon.

Yeah, why don't we do the next half hour?

Yeah, let's do that.

And also, I've done a little song for you that I'm going to play you later on in the show.

Wow.

For our domestic attrition.

It's not really a segment, but we've been talking about little domestic... Good week for broccoli or bad week for broccoli?

Good broccoli.

My wife was very conscientious this week.

I mean, she had every right just to smash the broccoli in my face after how rude I was last week, but she was really nice about it.

But it is just gone 10.30 here on Six Music and it's time for the news.

This is BBC Radio 6 Music.

Minister attacks care home regulation in England, UK urges Israel not to build homes, and Coronation Street actor charged with child sex offences.

BBC News, it's 10.30, I'm Tom Sanders.

Regulation of care homes in England has been described as not fit for purpose by the Health Minister, Norman Lamb.

The government wants to bring in greater scrutiny of the finances of care homes.

The Foreign Secretary William Hague has urged Israel to drop its plans to build 3,000 settler homes on occupied land in East Jerusalem and the West Bank.

Israel took the decision after the Palestinians had their status at the UN upgraded.

Mr Hague said the homes would undermine peace efforts.

Police have charged an actor who's been in coronation suit in the bill with child sex offences.

Andrew Lancel from Liverpool will appear in court later this month.

Jane Francis-Kelly reports.

The 42-year-old actor used to play businessman Frank Foster in the ITV soap before he was killed off earlier this year.

The police say he has been charged under his real name of Andrew Watkinson.

He will appear in court later this month to face five counts of indecent assault on a child under 16.

They have been described as historic offences.

The actor denies the charges.

From today, all cigarettes sold in Australia will only be available in plain packets with drab green packaging and graphic photos of people with smoking-related illnesses.

Tobacco firms are warning that the measure will make it easier for criminals to sell bootleg cigarettes.

Australia's Health Minister, Tanya Pliszczak, says that failed legal action by the companies shows that they're in the wrong.

The High Court challenge was the dying gasp, the last gasp of a dying industry.

They wanted to take us to court because they know plain packaging will work.

and a female engineer who worked for General Motors has been found guilty of stealing secrets from the American car giant for possible use in China.

Shenzhen do have access to the latest hybrid technology and could face up to 10 years in jail.

That's the 6 Music News, more at 11.30.

just one more baby, cause we'll

You walk, walk, walk, walk, walk My winner's out of control Out of control You walk, walk, walk, walk, walk My winner's out of control Out of control

I'm just a poor little baby cause well

Out of control, out of control You walk, walk, walk, walk, walk My winner's out of control High control You walk, walk, walk, walk, walk My winner's out of control Out of control

the quite brilliant yeah yeah yeahs and wide control from their debut album good news folks they've got a new album coming out next year oh yes still 30 seconds of this to go love a bit of feedback

stop it there you go hey how you doing listeners Adam Buxton and Edith Bowman here on BBC six music I've just got back from the lavatory and the hair's still there what from last week maybe it's mine and the week but I don't think it is Edith I'm pretty sure it's not you know I'm gonna do folks is I'm gonna take a picture of it and we're gonna post it on I'm gonna have to post it sufficiently high-resolution because you know it's hard to see

one hair strand.

But it's there.

Hey, how you doing?

Nice to see you again.

Hey, how's it going, man?

Okay, just hanging out.

I was worried that maybe you'd gone or someone would have cleaned you.

No.

Yeah, that's great.

So what have you been up to?

Oh, you know, twisting, just bending, you know, moving this way and that.

Excellent.

Yeah, good.

Well, nice to see you.

Take care of yourself.

Okay.

You have a good show.

Thanks very much.

So we trivia.

Yeah, hit me with some Bowie trivia.

Good morning, both join show a built Bowie question for you with whom did he study mime?

Keep up with good work.

Brendan Wolverhampton.

Who did he study mime?

It is a joke to me, your question.

It is an absolute joke.

Everybody knows it was Lindsey Kemp.

Correct.

What event did David bass, that was terrible, sorry, bass the song Heroes on Chris and Brighton?

What, a vent?

Yeah.

Oh, scratching the beard, that's not a good sign.

Well, it was supposedly, but stories differ, but it might have been his producer Tony Visconti having an illicit snog with someone who was not his wife down by the Berlin Wall outside Hanselton Studios.

Bowie files with superior knowledge to mine can maybe correct me if I'm wrong but I think that was it they were supposedly possibly the inspiration for the lovers by the Berlin Wall there okay okay keep them coming in keep them coming in I love those questions

So I would say next link, Edith, it might be time for you to unveil your Eno jingle.

Do you reckon?

Yeah.

How do you feel about that?

Excited, I think.

Okay.

I don't feel cry-emotional today, I feel quite up and sprightly.

Not too weepy?

Not too weepy this morning.

How's your stomach going to deal with it?

Well, I'll let the unborn child speak for itself when that time comes, do you know what I'm saying?

Let's do that then.

I'll unleash the Life of Brian jingle after that.

And mixtapes as well.

Shall we try and do that before 11?

Yeah, let's do that.

You've made me a mixtape and we've kind of done them in trail form.

Is that right?

Like in a kind of almost like a TV ad?

Yeah, like a TV ad.

Like the kind of best of type things you'd get those old school Telstar ads where they play you every track that was on it for like three seconds.

All right.

Well, that's coming up before 11.

And Edith's unveiling her jingle after this next track.

Grizzly Bear, Simple Answer.

Those Saints in Longstead Across the wasteland

But it's not long before it's gone Well, fine And it calls you back to mine

Just give until it's gone Some tired mom

Oh, this mercy mine

do like that.

Quisley Bear, Simple Answer, second single from their fourth album Shields, which came out in September.

That is sexcellent isn't it?

It is sexcellent indeed, yeah.

Very different as well from their other stuff.

I mean you can hardly speak though Edith because you are so nervous right now, am I right?

I am a little bit sick, just swallowed it back.

I don't want to know about that.

Listen, it's absolutely fine for me to post pictures of stray hairs in toilets but I don't want to know.

find when I just went to the toilet.

Like, you must pay so much attention when you're standing there to find one stray hair that's pretty much underneath the toilet.

I'm just in Photoshop now putting a red circle around the hair so it's obvious where it is.

Oh, perfect time for me to play this jingle then when you're not paying attention.

Right, okay.

No, I'm going to pay attention right now.

So explain to us exactly what this jingle is, how you created it.

Well, so we have a little feature in the show.

It's just a kind of sort of excuse for us to play a tune where we Brian, Brian Eno listens to the show apparently, we've played a couple of tunes kind of for him over the last couple of weeks.

It doesn't have any jingle around it.

So we thought it needed a little bit more of a kind of, I'm here, this is for Brian.

So I've made a life of Brian jingle, which involved me trying to find a doo-wop backing track, which I could not find all week.

Right, because I said that he likes... I happen to know that he enjoys doo-wop.

He likes doo-wop.

I don't know if he still does, but he certainly did.

So I couldn't find doo-wop, so I've gone with kind of like old school kind of wartime newsy jingle type thing.

Okay.

And which I did the vocals for.

You sure this isn't the old jingle that we used to do on the Adam and Jo show?

It might well be.

There's only a few...

I have to thank one and a half last night who allowed me into a Starship Enterprise to record the vocals.

Right.

And this is the result.

Are you ready for it?

Here we go, hit me.

It's time for a song with the life of Brian.

We hope his listening likes the tune we pick.

And let's make it clear we've got the right Brian.

It's not Mr Adams, Barry or May.

So what would he like?

What would he like?

Mr. Eno, he's a bit of a muser.

Like whilst he's eating, probably brums.

Now listen, Edith.

That is the jingle that we used to use to introduce the Adam and Jo show.

It's not our jingle.

That's just a jingle you get on GarageBand.

But I sung over that, mother.

Many, many times.

It is recognized as being one of the greatest bits of singing over a jingle.

ever if there were rewards for that kind of thing, I would have them all and You have what you've done is you've gone in and you have desecrated That holy Jingle garden with admittedly lovely singing and you just sang the heck out of it.

Yeah, it was great Yeah, if I hadn't previously created one of the greatest jingles of all time.

Yeah, I

with that backing track yeah you would now be hailed as a kind of a genius and you would be carried out here on a gold cushion a nice nice soft one though not a hard metal gold cushion yeah and you would be fed by sexy slaves just for the rest of your life that's not that's not what's happened okay instead you've created something which has trampled on the memories

of literally millions and millions of people across the world.

I never ever want to hear that jingle again.

What about if I do it to a different backing track?

Yeah, if you do it to a different backing track, that's absolutely acceptable, but it's got to be in no way related to that one.

Like if it's got any sense that it's sort of the old newsy 42 second version of it.

Any memories of that need to be expunged from now on.

Removing the actual fact that it's a slight plagiarism on your previous jingles, what are you going to give it?

It's impossible.

It's impossible to even think about that.

Okay, I'll play it.

Brian, this is your song.

This is The Egg.

Never speak of it again.

And you're back in the kitchen

We go to the doorway, where is your way to offer?

And walk by the red line, and the doubles together.

I think I need some help with the lights

My main aim for a Sunday morning is to play the most perfect music.

I want it to feel like you're a pirate.

An oral pirate.

I've got a treasure map for you and then you can find the treasure chest and we open it up together.

Some will be some more familiar diamonds, but some of it will be the lost lost gems from all over the world.

Jazz, blues, country rock, reggae, soul and world.

All of it.

As much of it as I can fit into two hours.

And they can be any age at all.

As early as it was possible to record stuff.

Keris Matthews, tomorrow morning from 10.

Join me and listen to some of the best music ever recorded.

stuck in speed bump city where the only thing that's pretty is the thought of getting out there's a tower block overhead all you got your benefits and you're barely scraping

We'll take the bar to make troubles flee And smoke until our eyes are sleeved As far as we can see Hear the sirens down the street The kids can lie down their feet Or they'll be in the back seat

Somewhere there's a secret road to take me far away I know but they'll never know

your payment and they're gonna find you soon.

If there's a beatin' in the street, if there's a feelin' of defeat, you're the one it happens to.

Stuck in Speedbump City where the only thing that's pretty is the thought of gettin' out.

the young Jake Bug and Troubletown.

I've had a text in from John in London who says Adam you're well out of order on the Eno jingle.

All we've just done is show up your cheapskate garage bandways.

Grow up!

Peace.

Losing it was last week's memory bank subject John, but thanks for the support.

That's absolutely true John, it's absolutely true.

But I never ever want to hear that jingle again.

I'm joking.

Um, the other thing is that Edith knew, obviously, that it was the, you know, it's like, it's not like she didn't know that we used to use the jingle.

Just to make that clear.

I listened.

She used to listen to the show.

Bowie, couple of Bowies quickly.

Yeah.

Adam, what was the name of Bowie's childhood friend who injured Bowie's eye in a playground fight?

Howard and Hove.

George Underwood.

unbelievable knowledge still good friends with Bowie was one of the was a guest at Bowie's wedding second to him on and he designed the cover of Ziggy Stardust as well he's very talented just showing off there was only one question in that text but never mind keep coming in come on

I think the, sorry sorry Edith to interrupt your saying of six music there.

The picture of the hair in the lavvy I think is now up isn't it?

On Twitter or Facebook?

Twitter.

There's a big red circle around it to make it clear.

I don't know if it's, it's difficult to see because the picture may have been compressed but I think you can, you can still see the little guy there.

Are you hoping this is going to identify the culprit from now on?

No, I don't care.

I just want to make sure that the hair is protected from now on.

I don't want anyone to go in there and start messing with it or like thinking about removing it because it's been there for many weeks now.

People would add to it?

Yeah, it could have a little hairy friend.

I don't see why not.

That would be nice.

I'll be interested to see how it gets on.

Right, Six Music Celebrating the Cassette.

It's 50 years since its invention by Phillips and Celebrating the Cassette begins, began actually last night at midnight.

Loads of stuff going on across the channel.

Neneh Cherry tomorrow will rewind the story of the cassette looking at this pivotal role in music.

What?

I didn't understand any of what you just said.

Cassette tapes.

She's going to rewind the story of the cassette, looking at its pivotal role in music.

Is she just going to do that in her house?

Probably, yes.

Just to herself.

Just play some cassettes from her house, rewind them, fast forward them.

um, chat to a few people about it.

50 years, hey, well, gosh, I mean, it seems, it seems like a lot longer, doesn't it?

It seems as if they've been part of our lives for absolutely ages.

Have you still got something you can play a cassette tape on at home?

Yeah, I do, yeah, I've got, I've still got lots of, um, I love cassettes, yes, I still keep them all, I don't throw them away.

My favourite compilations I certainly keep, because a good compilation, you know, that's for life, bruv.

Uh, now in the digital age it's much easier, but in the olden days it used to be hard and I used to sit there with a

tape-to-tape machine and take absolutely ages to get everything just so and do a bit of ad-hoc mixing, you know.

To do the chart, try and get pause when this talking starts.

Exactly right.

Yeah.

So we've made compilations for each other, not on a cassette, I'm sorry to say.

Yeah.

Do you want to go first?

Okay, sure.

Yeah.

And we've done kind of promos for the cassettes, TV ad style.

So here's what I've made for Edith.

Terrible day at work?

No sympathy from your partner or so-called friends?

World seems meaningless?

Then sit back, pour yourself a large glass of Chateau Le Shut Your Mouth, and enjoy the sound of Shouting Classics, Volume 1.

Nirvana with Territorial Peasings begins the compilation as it means to go on with barely intelligible fury from the Pixies and Planet of Sound.

But that sounds thoughtful compared to Husker Du with Bricklayer.

Californian punk funsters Black Flag with Wasted.

Shouting Classics also contains the non-hits Psychosis Safari from 80's Matchbox Beeline Disaster.

And What the Hell a Guitar Wolf singing in Summertime Blues.

And what for that matter is Death Grips shouting about in I've Seen Footage?

There's also shouting from The Beatles.

And David Bowie.

Not forgetting The Foo Fighters.

no this isn't a good time to talk about that thing you wanted to talk about because it's shouting classics time wow yeah

So I shout a lot, is that what you're trying to say?

No, I shout a lot.

I love to shout.

I love people shouting.

It makes me feel happy.

Trying to encourage me to shout more.

I like Brooke Clear's my favourite out of that lot.

Yeah, you like Who's Kadoo?

Yeah, like it a lot.

That's a good one, isn't it?

It's good to shout.

Sure it is.

Good to let it out, shout.

It's cathartic.

Like tears from fears, yeah.

It's cathartic.

Great, good for the soul.

And how about the 80s Matchbox Beeline Disaster?

Beeline Disaster.

Best band name in the world, I think.

That's a good bit of shouting from them as well.

Yeah.

Death Grips, I don't know if that counts as shouting?

Is it a rappy shouting?

Yeah, it's a bit subdued shouting.

And Helter Skelter, obviously, was the Beatles one.

Yeah.

And It's No Game.

I mean, there's a lot of shouting in Helter Skelter, isn't there?

Yeah.

It's No Game, Bowie does some very good shouting in that on the beginning of Scary Monsters, or near the beginning.

Mine's is totally different.

Yeah.

Mine's is about you.

Oh.

Basically.

You've put some thought into it.

I didn't think of that.

Yeah, they all kind of, all the tunes on this, it's, well, well, here it is.

No, that's what I call Adam, volume one.

Moby, Moby, Moby, Moby, Michael Stipe You light the skies up above me

Like it?

No.

I would just say, to Tame Impala, or Impala, cause you like them, Queen Bicycle Ride.

Yeah but I've already got it!

I mean, listen, I'm coming off rude and ungrateful this show.

I totally appreciate that.

Right.

But I thought I told you I was going to be honest.

I don't see the point in pussyfooting.

I've said before, it's disgusting.

What's wrong with doing a mixtape of your favourite track?

Because I've got them already.

Take that rule the world.

No, I see.

I don't have that.

I never ever want to hear it.

You were in Stardust.

Ever again.

But you were in the film that it was the song from.

I hate it.

Hate it.

Absolutely hate it.

I Like Cheese to try and switch you over.

What's I Like Cheese?

That's the one I did like that I didn't know.

It's just off the internet.

I Like Cheese.

Where did you find that?

On YouTube.

Well, that's good.

Yeah.

It's worth it for the one track.

Cliff Richard, Mr Stonewine.

No.

no come on it's the first day of advent no come on no no no no i wish i had that clip of ben kingsley just shouting no over and over again from sexy beast i'm gonna bring it in next week just in case anything like this ever happens again i'm never gonna make your mixtape ever again i'm sorry listen listen i'm i'm just joking i love it i absolutely love all the tracks i've already got and take that

hate take that no they're brilliant hey i'm joking obviously i don't hate take that who hates take that only a moron would hate take that

Don't you think they should die?

That's the color of my room, where I will live.

Blue, blue.

They are blinds drawn all day, to read and to sing.

Blue, blue.

I will sit right there, waiting for the gift of sun.

I will sing Waiting for the gift of sound and vision Drifting into my solitude Over my head Don't you wonder sometimes About sound and vision

I was feeling so depressed, I tried to hide away From violence and hate and creepy people every day Then I discovered something that made me feel so gay They took me in and fixed me up and now I've got to say It was A&E who done this to me, yes it was

He came on television and told everyone he had seen God.

So I stopped channel surfing immediately.

He said that he had seen God and God told him to raise eight million dollars.

God was broke.

What they see

Round and round, round and round

How you doing listeners?

Adam Buxton here with Edith Bowman.

Edith, listen, I'm sorry, I feel bad.

I was, it was just a barrage of scorn and negativity, wasn't it?

It's fine.

It gives me a kind of snapshot.

I actually made you a proper compilation.

Really?

And this is for your unborn child.

There you go.

and it's a it's a lullaby selection and it's got a picture of me uh in this young americans pose that was picture was from quite a long time ago before i had a beard and stop smoking yeah uh wow that's that's bowie's cigarette that's not mine that's from uh young americans so there's some nice music there to uh lull your children to sleep travis humpty dumpty love song

Yeah, it's a good, it's a rare mix of that one.

I love it.

Stripped of the orchestra.

Randy Newman, Memo to My Son.

Lovely, lovely song.

Some good Jason Faulkner versions of Beatles songs as well.

Blackbird's one of my favourite ever songs.

Yeah, he does good instrumental versions.

So anyway, I hope you enjoy that one.

Thanks.

And I want to say as well that I really do appreciate you.

Calm down.

Yeah, it's fine.

really do appreciate you bringing in the Eno jingle.

There's quite a few messages from people saying that I was quite horrible there, so I apologize.

Hey, it's alright.

But I never want to hear it again.

So listen, I think it's time that we got into the memory bank, don't you?

Yeah!

Time for some stories you deposited in the memory bank.

The memory bank, the memory bank, we're the nice bank, would you like to bank with us?

All of them are truthful, every now and then they're a little bit frank.

The memory bank, the memory bank, ooh, I'm sorry but you're very overdrawn.

Email us your stories or text or tweet or send them round with Hank.

Send them with Hank.

Send them with Hank to the Memory Bank.

and this week on the memory bank we are talking about rudeness intolerable rudeness and throughout the week we've asked you to send in your stories and you can continue to do so on the following email address adam and edith at bbc.co.uk or you can tweet short stories to at bbc6music

or text to 64046.

pretty in-depth stuff that comes in during the week.

And this subject as well, rudeness, follows on, I suppose, quite neatly from last week's losing it topic.

Yeah.

So this is more, you know, it's less about the sort of shouty confrontations, more, I suppose, internalised feelings of upset that you get when someone thinks you're being rude or when someone is rude to you.

Someone's behaviour you deem rude.

and a lot of there was a pattern as well in a lot of the stories that came in in that people would have these little confrontations where they thought someone was being rude or whatever and they would be uh upset by the fact that they could never think of the right thing to say yes in those situations and you come away from a sort of rudeness confrontation feeling impotent because you haven't nailed a good comeback like here's an example i met up with tony law a lovely comedian

in Trafalgar Square yesterday.

I don't know why I thought Trafalgar Square would be a good place to meet.

My hands froze completely by the end of our little chat.

I thought it would be nice to get out of sight.

But I was asking him if he'd had any confrontations recently or any bits of rudeness and he told me this short story.

well i had one lately this drove me nuts you know and like the queue's all spread out and you can't really you can't exactly tell where the queue is so you sort of go to where they're bunched up the most and i did that and uh it's like an english stepford wife so really rich

lady just went excuse me that is rude you're a rude man oh gosh sorry did i butt in front of you yeah you did and i think you know you did well no no i i really didn't i didn't i didn't know i did no you go ahead oh yeah okay now i can go ahead yeah right

Because you've been found out.

And I'm going, wow, I can't believe you're escalating this.

This has really upset you.

Yeah, it has upset me because people like you are just rude.

You're a rude man.

And I was just stunned.

It's like, are you doing this?

Are you doing this in front of your son?

Oh, bring my son into it.

But he's like, you know, he doesn't want this to be happening.

Why don't we just, why don't you go ahead and I'll wait.

I'll even let some more people in front of me.

So there's a distance between us.

Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Why?

I don't know why I would like that.

And I said, you don't know who you've messed with, lady.

You are the rude one.

I will cast you down.

I don't know what I meant by that.

I didn't say any of that, actually, but that's what I was feeling.

All the way to the show I was doing that night, I was fuming.

I should have been doing work or reading or something or getting smarter.

And I was just looking out the window.

Who does this woman think she is?

Oh.

So she had him cast as the rude one, and he's one of the most charming and polite men ever, Tony Law.

But it's just sometimes in those situations where it's tense.

He was at a supermarket there and, you know, people are queuing up and get a bit snappy with each other.

And it's easy to make judgments about what you perceive as rudeness that are actually totally wrong.

Michael Palin on rudeness.

I mean a man who's got a lot to say about a lot of things in the world.

Again a very charming, famed for his charm.

Yeah well here is his thoughts on rudeness.

Rudeness in the sense of people being unpleasant to you.

It happens very rarely.

You know you're more likely to find that in the center of a city on a Saturday night.

So I don't really remember people being rude to me, particularly, but sometimes you think they're being rude.

There are strange gestures used, certainly with the Wausha people in the Xingu.

There's all strange, weird things, and you think, you know, that they're having a go at you, but actually that means, you know, they're just, they're showing you their sort of tribal attack mode.

It's not personal or anything like that.

I also can't ever imagine Michael Palin being rude to anyone.

Yeah.

Do you think he's ever rude to anyone?

I'm sure he was probably rude to one of the Wajah in the Jingu.

He just made that up, surely.

Sounds like a made-up trite.

But was he?

I mean, you do lose your rag every now and then.

Usually to the person you least want to lose it with.

That's the trouble, you know.

I end up being rude just to somebody and it's been a very long day or a long week or something like that.

And, you know, this quite innocent person who doesn't

hold the door open for you when you're going in the chemist, something like that, and you say, thank you very much, and you go into something like that, quite out of, all out of proportion.

I think modern life, it encourages you to be brisk and, you know, rather clipped.

And as soon as you don't have time for people, then I think that's when rudeness comes in.

Because if you have time for people, that's why I love traveling.

You end up just chatting away, you know.

And I think rudeness comes when you don't make contact, or you don't want to make contact, or you're trying to stand back, or you don't like the look of somebody, something like that.

Yeah, that's a good point.

And it's where it happens, especially where he says he likes traveling, but you get a lot of rudeness when you are traveling.

Trains and trains get overcrowded and things like that.

People get very bristly.

I was at the station the other day and all the trains back to Norwich were cancelled for whatever reason.

And

That I went to ask the beleaguered lady at the helpdesk what the deal was when the next train was There's loads people queuing up and getting irate with her and she was super cool Like her way of dealing with the whole thing was being just this Blank slate, you know not showing any emotion whatsoever, which actually was winding people up Yeah more because you want a bit more of a human connection but difficult for her and

So I said, excuse me, what time is the next train going to go back to Norwich in that case if these have been cancelled?

And she didn't say anything to me.

She didn't look me in the eye or anything.

She just looked the other way.

She looked right past me.

And it just drove me insane.

And I was talking right to her.

I mean, you know, I was right in front of her.

And I said, excuse me, I'm talking to you.

Would you do me the courtesy of looking at me, please?

And very slowly, she looked round and she said, next train's going in 15 minutes.

She'd been looking at the board to do me a favour and find out when the train was because I was too lazy to look at the board.

Yeah, and so at that point, I mean she could she could have I suppose acknowledged the fact that I was talking to her That's what sort of confused me.

But still I was a hundred percent Wally ish and I at that point I did feel like saying like I should really acknowledge it, you know and say say well I said, thank you.

Obviously I said well, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much

But I should have really said, Oh, sorry, I was being a jerk.

And I didn't realise you were looking at the board.

But I didn't say I just that was too much.

I just had to skulk away and hide under a box for a little while.

So we're going to read out some more of your stories on the subject of rudeness in the next hour and 40 minutes here on the A&E show on BBC six music, but right now more music.

This is the flaming lips.

Her name is Yoshimi She's a black belt in karate Working for the city She has to discipline her body

Cause she knows that it's demanding To defeat those evil machines I know she can beat them Oh, Yoshimi, they don't believe me

But you won't let those robots eat me, Yoshimi They don't believe me But you won't let those robots defeat me, Yoshimi

Those evil nature robots They're programmed to destroy us She's gotta be strong to fight them So she's taking lots of vitamins

Cause she knows that it'd be tragic if those evil robots win I know she can beat them Oh, Yoshimi, they don't believe me

Robots eat me, Yoshimi They don't believe me But you won't let those Robots defeat me, Yoshimi

We all remember using them.

I love cassettes.

I love the way they sound.

I'd always mangle mine.

I'd never press the stop button.

I've lived on cassette tapes.

I lived on taping the radio.

But let's not forget how important they were for modern music.

Cassette tape was like a bartering tool for the original hip-hoppers.

Those little cassette tapes are really the history of our band.

It does something beautiful to sound, putting it on the tape.

This Sunday, 6Music rewinds through the story of the cassette.

featuring the likes of Grandmaster Flash, Kings of Leon, Mike Skinner, Black Keys, Alison Mossart, DJ Shadow, and me, Nana Cherry.

6Music celebrates 50 years of the cassettes.

It delivered everything our generation loved.

Tomorrow at midday, BBC Radio 6 Music.

One, two, three, four.

In your heart, in your soul You're a scoundrel

Extraordinary noise.

And who on earth was that?

Friends.

Friends?

With Joey and Chandler?

And Monica.

Yes.

Yeah.

That's what they sound like when they sing.

Always love a handclap, don't they?

Always got to have a handclap.

Very good.

Excellent.

Van, what, Van Gordoo?

Van Gordoo.

Is that the name of the band?

No, that's the name of the song.

So they are called friends?

Yeah.

Right.

Hey, it's Adam and Edith here on BBC 6 Music.

They're from Cool Brooklyn.

Cool Brooklyn.

Yeah.

Right.

So yeah, they really are like then they hang out in a coffee shop, presumably.

Good one.

And we're talking about rudeness.

That is the subject of today's Memory Bank.

Let's have a mini jingle.

Time for some stories you deposited in the Memory Bank.

The Memory Bank.

Ooh, I'm sorry but you're very overdrawn.

And I was talking to Tony again about things that he found rude.

And I think there's a lot of shows that I enjoy that he doesn't enjoy so much.

Here's a couple of examples.

X Factor was one of them.

x-factor things like that that's just a rude show isn't it it's just people being rude and picking on people it's just bullying i can't i can't watch it for a start i hate hate the singing you know the the what do you call it the karaoke singing but to then watch people bully the one who's bad at singing they're just bad at singing you morons you're all bad at

life you're just you're bad people sitting in that room booing they're all there for bullying aren't they ah crazy bully time it's better than a circus i suppose

Um, and not strictly about Rudolf.

I mean, he, I, you know, I enjoy I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out.

Right.

I think it concludes this weekend, doesn't it?

No idea.

And I always say, I feel with that show that it's not exclusively about bullying.

There's usually a bullying element in the way that the public selects one particular person to do the trials the whole time.

Starvation.

Yeah, but I like the way the campmates tend to sort of overcome their differences and find common causes sometimes, not always, but they have done this time, I feel.

Anyway, I asked Tony about I'm a Celebrity and this is what he thought.

no i don't watch that can't can't watch that not unless they change the jungle that they're in instead of the australian jungle i would watch it if it was in the somewhere in the congo where there's a massive civil war going on and that changes it up that would get some viewers wouldn't it i'd like you to meet a child soldier

Joseph Natango.

And your next game is to run the gauntlets of these child soldiers before they massacre everyone in the village and probably just lop off hands for no reason.

Celebrities coming out of the jungle with one less hand.

They deserve the prize money, wouldn't they?

I'm left-handed so they took the right one and it's really given my career a boost.

I'm going to play hook in a pantomime.

So that's going to be a good wedge.

Yeah, I haven't watched the celebrity.

He needs to read Hunger Games.

He'll love it.

Absolutely love it, he will.

Have you got any messages there from people about rudeness?

Yeah, I've got one last clip, actually, from Michael Palin.

It's something that I never ever thought he would find rude, but it's quite interesting.

I mean, there are other things that you see that are slightly rude.

We would gather slightly rude.

I mean, I find penis sheets a bit rude.

And I remember a little chap, he had his sort of penis sort of

strapped up around his waist.

I found that quite odd.

We would probably say that's a bit rude, but he was absolutely and totally and completely unselfconscious.

I thought he thought I was a bit odd to have mine dangling down, you know.

Very odd.

I'm wearing mine.

never leave home without it.

Jo Andrews and Surrey was just listening to our podcast whilst on the train home from work and this happened.

I was sitting with my feet up on the seat when a middle-aged lady came and sat next to my feet shaking her head.

I knew that I was in the wrong but like you it really rubs me up the wrong way.

The head shake.

Yeah, don't like it.

So I opened up my rucksack, pulled out a newspaper, placed on the seat opposite me and then put my feet on top of the paper.

I then smugly looked at the lady and in a patronising voice said, better?

She said nothing back and refused to look at myself for the rest of the journey.

Get in.

What's his name?

Joe Andrews in Surrey.

Joe.

Quite naughty though to put the feet up in the first place.

You train a lot, how would you react to that?

Well, I wouldn't say anything because I'm too wimpy, but I would be doing the internal head shake for feet on seats.

Because when I do, sometimes when it's an empty carriage and I do feel like it would be nice to stretch out, I make a big play of laying out my coat or whatever across the seat.

So, look, it's okay, I'm going to put my feet up, but it's on my own coat, so it's fine.

It's not like putting my dirty feet on the seat where someone else has to sit.

Because I do, my dad used to hate that and he always used to go on about it.

Yeah, I'd be doing the internal head shake.

We're gonna be reading out more stories of rudeness over the next hour and a half as well as some other bits and pieces talking about domestic strife and domestic attrition.

We've also got made-up jokes.

We've got the return of made-up jokes because a few of them came in and I thought of one of mine as well.

I created a new made-up joke this week which I was very pleased with which ties in with one of the people that we've heard from.

uh on the show today so that's all coming up before the end of uh yeah i just i'm like i started talking and i'm just carrying on talking without anything to say it's fine stop now because we're gonna go and get some news okay

This is BBC Radio 6 Music.

New plan for care home regulation.

Warning on hidden HIV.

Car insurance hike for women.

6 Music.

BBC News at 11.30.

I'm Tom Sanders.

Around 25,000 people in the UK don't know they have the HIV infection.

The figures have been released by the Health Protection Agency, which says around 600 people are dying needlessly from the condition each year.

Lisa Power is from the Terence Higgins Trust.

It's extremely alarming that so many people in the UK have HIV but are undiagnosed.

If you get tested, get diagnosed and get on the treatment at the right time, you can live to a ripe old age.

But if you don't know that you have it, you could become very ill before you're diagnosed and then the pills won't work as well.

Care homes could get a new system of regulation.

It'd mean that they'd have to open their books to inspectors.

The idea is to prevent a repeat of the Southern Cross collapse, when other operators had to take responsibility for more than 30,000 residents.

The former Coronation Street actor Andrew Lancel has been charged with child sex offences.

The 42-year-old, from Liverpool, will appear in court later this month to face five counts of indecent assault on a child under 16.

More than 40,000 people have now signed a petition urging the government to fully implement Lord Justice Leveson's plans for press regulation.

Labour and the Lib Dems are backing the proposals, but the Prime Minister has made clear he would not welcome self-regulation underpinned by new laws.

Young female motorists are being advised to shop around for car insurance.

A new European court ruling will mean a possible sharp increase in their premiums.

Women drivers usually pay less because they tend to have fewer accidents.

But from late December, insurers won't be able to tailor quotes based on gender.

Ian Crowder is from AA Insurance.

The insurance industry has for decades based its premiums on risk.

And it's a fact that young men are more than twice as likely to be killed or seriously injured in road crashes than young women.

The difference is shown in the premiums that have been paid up to now.

But people just don't understand what makes a man feel so blue.

Ooh, they call me Mr. Pitiful because I know someone just like you.

They call me Mr. Pitiful.

This everybody knows.

They call me Mr. Pitiful.

How can a man sing such a sad song?

Oh, there is little now How can I tell you about my past?

Oh, things won't end Mr. Pitiful That's my name now They call me Mr. Pitiful That's how I got my fame But nobody seems to understand

Oh, what makes a man feel so blue?

They call me miserable, because I'm in love with you.

Can I explain to you?

Everything is going wrong.

I've lost everything I've had.

I have to sing these sad songs to get back to her.

And I want you.

Adam Buxton and Edith Bowman on BBC Radio 6 Music.

I will make it mine, there's nothing else I'm drawn to

inside your head I will find a way to tell you

There's nothing else I'm drawn to

just try taking from yourself a piece of you for no one else see you're streaming out my face

It's toy and six music.

Adam Buxton and Edith Bowman here on BBC Six Music and we are returning once more to the Memory Bank.

time for some stories you deposited in the memory bank the memory bank the memory bank we're the nice bank would you like to bank with us we're talking about rudeness today at the memory bank and thank you so much for sending in your stories do you have one there edith

There's also some really nice names coming in.

My favourite today is Hi Dr Buckles and Vitamin E. I like that one, that's pretty good.

Hi Edam.

We said that was a no, Katie, but that's alright, thanks for listening.

That's okay, I mean it's just a no for the name of the show.

Yeah.

I'm in my final year of sixth form and this startling act of rudeness occurred only last year in my classroom, early on a Monday morning.

Our science teacher was giving a talk on alcohol awareness, which unfortunately did not include your helpful sea shanty.

when a girl on the front desk brought out her entire lunchbox started rooting around until she found a packet of crisps which she brought out with a flourish and proceeded to open noisily and devour.

Mate.

Obviously, teacher notably annoyed and asked the girl to kindly put away her crisps seeing as it was 9 a.m.

and we were in a lesson.

A few minutes later, same girl, large hairbrush and lip gloss and started arranging her hair and full-size mirror she had also produced from her bag resting on the desk.

Once again, teacher looking a little more flustered asked the girl to put away the items and concentrate on the lesson.

However, the final straw for our teacher was when the girl brought out a large can of deodorant and proceeded to spray herself all over.

I think you can imagine our teacher's reaction.

She was just spraying her clothed body with deodorant.

Did you do that thing of like slipping it in the top part of her top and really getting into her armpits or oxters as we call them in Scotland?

Who uses spray-on deodorant these days anyway?

Don't you know that's killing the planet?

There's a good video by an artist called William Wegman that was made in the 60s of him talking about the benefits of spray-on deodorant and he just, it's like a minute and a half of him just spraying.

spray and spray and spray until this big chunk of goop builds up under his armpit and starts dribbling down with him going makes me feel so fresh and I love this I love the smell of it I love how it makes me feel that's good seek it out I've got a message here yeah from Ross Houghton in London h-o-u-g-h-t-o-n Houghton yeah I'm not very good on reading and pronunciations

He says, you know those instances when you walk away from a situation then only later think of something to say?

Well, we were talking about that earlier on.

Once I actually managed to pull something out of the bag on time.

I was in my late 20s in a supermarket queue and a man in his late 50s decided to leap straight to the front of the line and head straight to the checkout.

I piped up and said, excuse me, there's a queue behind you.

He turned around and said, well, by the time you get to my age, you might realise the world isn't always the

way you want it to be.

I replied, well by the time I get to your age I'd hope to have learned some manners.

I would hope to have learned some manners.

Nice.

A few people chuckled, he huffed and joined the back of the queue.

I would say that is a result though Ross.

I'm going to sing you my celebratory in your face jingle for that.

IN YOUR FACE!

IN YOUR FACE, OLD MAN!

IN YOUR FACE, Q-MAN!

IN YOUR FACE, Q-JUMPING MAN!

IN YOUR FACE!

It's my favourite comeback of all time.

To say, in your face.

Oh, I love it.

I mean, if you did it with the jingle as well, he would have been well within his rights to... Maybe it would have seemed a bit wrong if he started dancing around and singing.

We should just have it on our phones.

Everyone should have it on their phones that if it ever happens, so you go, just give me one second, pull it up.

Yeah, but then it could be open to abuse.

If it was, if it was badly, I mean, the way I did it there was absolutely fine.

Okay.

One step too far.

Edith, can I ask you to read the beginning of this, because in my research this week, I was curious to find stories from all sorts of people about rudeness, and I stumbled across this website about London Transport, and there were people sharing various stories on there, so could you read that one out?

Okay, just the story part yeah.

A friend of mine visited London on an MOD work trip during which she used the tube in central London.

As a civil servant you have to keep your train tickets to proof for your expenses so you can claim the money back.

So at the exit barrier she very politely said excuse me to try and extract the inspector's attention.

he very blatantly ignored her she said excuse me excuse me excuse me several more times but he still wouldn't listen so she tapped him on the shoulder only for him to get very angry and impolite and accuse her of abuse she started to laugh as she thought he was joking but it turns out he was deadly serious talk about ridiculous

Where I live, the north of Scotland, no one would dream of being so rude.

And if you behave like that, then you most likely attract a letter of complaint.

Is it normal for Tube employees to be so rude or is it just because they sometimes get stressed out?

I don't mean to generalise or accuse every Tube employee of being like this.

Craig Filosi.

So thank you very much.

I thought I'd get you to read it out because he's from Scotland.

Craig Filosi.

So are you, I made that connection.

Craig Filosi.

What does that mean?

Craig's from Lossie.

Craig Phil Orsing.

But underneath that story is a reply, someone replies, this guy called Maylin, M-E-I-L-I-N.

And I don't think he is a Tube employee.

I don't think he is speaking for the London Underground when he gives this reply.

And I've tried to think about like what his accent might be like, and I think I've almost certainly nailed it.

He says, that is actually how it's supposed to be.

London underground ticket inspectors run a constant risk of being shot, stabbed, blown up, or just plain committed over by drunks.

They are supposed to remain distant from passenger, not to engage them in conversations, and not to make eye contact.

Doing so could get them killed.

Your friend was interfering with an inspector in the course of their duty.

She most certainly should never have touched him, for all he knows, she could have been

a psychopath, a junkie or a regular head case.

Mail in.

There you go.

So just think about it is what he's saying.

That's the main point.

Let's read out some more stories about rudeness in a little bit right now.

Here's some classic.

No, don't not yet.

This is first story.

I'm going to read out in a bit.

Sorry.

Oh, sorry, mate.

Give it away.

Yeah, this is the mighty heed.

And after this, we've got made up jokes, ladies and gentlemen.

Something for the gradual moment Over my dead body Something big is gonna happen

So strong, so strong Oh, if I ain't, this is how

This was all a dream And we don't want the monster to take it over Tick tock

radio head.

But go to sleep!

Well, you might not after I read out some of these jokes.

You know, people continue to tweet jokes at me every now and again because of that feature.

And it's always a pleasure to read them.

But I thought of one this week.

And so that spurred me on to incorporate it into the made up jokes feature.

Me with it.

Because you were hanging out with Michael Palin.

Yes.

I thought of the following amazing joke.

Where does Michael Palin go to drive his race car?

I don't know.

Where does Michael Palin go to drive his race car?

The palindrome.

Because race car is a palindrome.

So Michael Palin goes to a palindrome to drive his race car.

Which is a palindrome.

Yeah.

yeah okay yeah I mean it yeah I mean I think it's good obviously I had to explain it a lot yeah maybe if you hadn't explained it so much I know but some of the but it's very funny and I just didn't want people to not realize that I don't know what palindrome was no it's a word that's the same forwards and backwards yeah race car okay

palindrome ego you see I did have to explain it yeah and here's one that someone tweeted early this week and he got very angry when I didn't acknowledge the joke after a while he started shouting at me in the Twitter in the tweet in words that I can't repeat here on Saturday afternoon Luke Jones and he says what do you call a metric jazz trumpeter

I don't know, what do you call a metric jazz trumpeter?

Kilometres Davis, right?

Which is a good joke, but I did, but Luke, you know, you didn't, you didn't assure me of the provenance of that joke.

I searched for it on Google and there's a lot of hits for Kilometres Davis.

Really?

And he's not the source of it?

I don't think so.

I think I'd be in legal trouble if I, or if he claimed that he was the originator of that joke.

I don't know.

But another person tweeted me this week.

The Cooker from Dundee, Scotland, he tweeted this.

Actually, I think he was retweeting it from someone else.

But anyway, it was a link to a Tumblr site called Bad Kids Jokes.

The best.

And the guy on there says, I moderate jokes on a kids joke website.

A lot of the joke submissions can't be published for various reasons, so I publish them here instead.

I have not edited or made up any of these jokes.

Here's a selection of them.

I love this.

My four and a half year old does this, it's brilliant.

Yeah, children making up jokes is always very good, especially around four and a half when they're mainly obsessed with, well, the toilet, yes.

For example, what did the woman do in bed when she heard the alarm going off?

Pooed her pants.

What do you call a chicken that does, spelt D-U-Z, not got feathers, spelt F-E-R-T-H-E-R-S?

What do you call a chicken that does not got feathers?

A naked face.

How many kicks does it take to break a bed?

1000.

What's pink and hangs up your pyjamas?

Your mother.

Here's like a little play.

Mummy, mummy, what's a vampire?

Shut up and eat your soup.

Mummy, mummy, I don't like tomato soup.

Shut up, we only have it once a month.

That's my favourite play.

Do you want some more?

One more.

Maybe more.

OK.

My mum put me on a diet and said, you are what you eat.

I was confused.

I said, but I don't remember eating a sexy beast for breakfast.

That couldn't have been a child, surely.

That's not a child.

That's too good.

How does a man put an elephant in a freezer?

Fit him in, not caring about size, and smash the door in.

Someone needs to chat to that child.

He needs a wart.

What did the goat say to the dog?

Nice buttock, you loser.

Oh, amazing.

I love this.

Last one.

Okay.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Rex the dumpling egg.

Rex the dumpling egg!

Music.

What makes a band really special?

The characters.

From a very young age I realised I didn't want to follow my family into factories.

Capturing the zeitgeist.

We were documenting life in the Netherlands.

Whether we liked it or not, that's what we were doing.

And being genuinely fantastic live.

Hello, I'm Terry and I'm going to enjoy myself first.

For the final six music live made available session of the year, we welcome The Specials.

Go to the Six Music website now to register for your chance to join us on December the 12th.

Six Music Live!

For specials on Steve LeMans.

Only on BBC Radio.

Six Music.

In the middle of the bed you don't know Is it fine to hold my hand asleep?

In the middle of the bed sand slips Through my cold hand Do you really want me back?

Do you really want me back?

Cause I'm over it, over you All over the town, they say I love you I'm over it, I'm over you All over the town, they say I love you, yeah They say I always will, they say I love you, yeah But these words they won't heal

I talk to myself at night Better still, when the lights have turned out I talk inside my head Better hear, nobody knows what I said Do you really want me back?

Do you really want me back?

Cause I'm over it, over you All over the town they say I love you I'm over it, I'm over you All over the town they say I love you, yeah They say I always will They say I love you, yeah But these words they won't heal

It's all over the town You're spreading the word It's all over the town You're spreading the word If you knew me at all You should all know my answers If you knew me at all You should all know my answers

You sure don't know my answers You can't ruin me at all You sure don't know my answers They say I love you, yeah They say I always will They say I love you, yeah But these words they won't heal They say I love you

Slowly falls through

beautiful Lucy Rose on six music middle of the bed the middle of the bed that's very that's a very rude place to be as well that takes up a lot of space I mean fair enough if you're on your own you're in the middle of the bed is that what she's singing about maybe that's the whole point of the song is that she's on her own rather someone be with her I wasn't listening was I yeah oh dear okay let's just play the jingle

Time for some stories you deposited in the memory bank, the memory bank, the memory bank.

Ooh, I'm sorry but you're very overdrawn.

couple here here's a short one for you this is from natalie she says working in retail for 15 years has been eye-opening once when bending down to pick up a clothing item thrown on a floor on the floor during the boxing day sale frenzy an eager customer used me to kneel on so she could reach a top above me i still work in retail natalie

Whoa!

I mean, in what universe is that acceptable?

Rudeness extremes.

I've got one from an anonymous person.

Hello.

I carry a stink bomb in my bag, safely stored in an old Barocca tube.

I'm on a constant state of readiness to use it if someone is rude to me.

I have only used it once on a rude lady in the sub post office.

It worked well and for seconds I felt better.

But now I have to walk further to the main post office.

Anon.

Anonymous, brackets, psychopath.

Why would you anonymously say that?

Put your name on it.

Because goodness knows what else Anon is up to.

If he or she has got stink bombs in a Barocca tube, what else is he formulating?

Or she.

exactly or she so here is one now from a lady Sarah in London who again has has the same problem as a lot of people in these kind of situations she says a man on the Metropolitan line during the peak weekday rush home sat opposite me I'm assuming he was a banker or investor or some sort of some sort because he wore a fancy suit and a bowler hat

Seriously, she says.

I had three bags plus a birthday cake for my sister in a box, and the man accused me of taking up too much space, then proceeded to kick the birthday cake that I had placed between my feet.

Luckily, it only got a little bit squashed.

The box took most of the assault, but he kept yelling, move at me.

And at the time, I was too shocked to say anything back.

I remember getting home and crying, though I was also shaking with anger.

I wish I knew the most satisfying way to behave if I ever saw him again, but nothing seems good enough from Sarah in London.

Well, I asked my dad what he thought, if he had any good words of advice, you know.

My dad's like 87 or something like that, so you would have thought by that time, apart from being rude himself quite a lot, he might have, you know, learned some words of wisdom.

I don't know if he's going to come back at me with like a humorous anecdote or what.

This is what he comes back with.

He said, um, I don't think that man could have been a banker.

Bankers don't wear bowler hats and suits nowadays.

They tend to disguise themselves in beanies and jeans so as not to be suspected of belonging to one of the great cheating professions.

He may have been a hedge fund manager.

On no account should Sarah reproach herself with having failed to respond adequately to loutish behavior.

Most decent people are not naturally inclined to respond aggressively to bad behavior by others.

More importantly, she must try very hard indeed, brackets, and it is very hard, never to indulge in regret.

What is past is past.

Regret is not merely useless, but one of the most erosive emotions in life.

And then he quotes the Persian polymath, Omar Khayyam, translated by Edward Fitzgerald.

The moving finger writes and having writ moves on, nor all thy piety nor wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line, nor all thy tears wash out a word of it.

Thanks very much, Dad.

That's true.

He talks like Morgan Freeman.

On the other hand, Sarah, you could have just shouted,

uh, just in your face at the guy or something like that.

No, don't play the note.

No, come on.

Come on.

She needs it.

It's too much in your face.

Just, um, yeah, make them look like a Wally and then shout in your face at them.

That would be absolutely adequate.

I would say.

Or just smear the cake in his face.

That's what I would have done.

Taking it out of the bag and go, move!

Yeah, or just surreptitiously remove the top of the box and let him put his foot in it and wipe it off his Gucci loafers or whatever bankers wear these days.

And we're gonna play Tiny Tim.

Oh, yes.

So this is a free play of of mine listeners and Tiny Tim he was I mean he was a massive star in the 60s people like Bob Dylan adored him and He was I don't it's hard to think of a comparable figure these days but I mean he was genuinely musically talented as well be as well as being a bit sort of freakish and

Yeah, because people weren't sure whether it was put on or whether it was genuine.

He had this very high falsetto and he looked, I've described him before as looking like the penguin on his gap year with his little ukulele.

And was it a ukulele or a banjo that he played?

I think it was a ukulele.

And anyway, I love this song and it was used in the very first episode of SpongeBob SquarePants.

And during Bug, the TV version of the show Bug that I do, we had a video made for it by these very talented animators, Paul and Matt Lazell, which you can still find online.

The track is a cover of a song by Al Sherman and Al Lewis from the 1930s.

But this is Tiny Tim with Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight.

I defy you.

not to gain some joy from this from 1968.

It's a party, you never bother me, I feel happy and fine Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, having a wonderful time Having got a lot, I don't need a lot, for these only a dozen Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight,

Just take it from me I'm just as free as any daughter I do what I like just what I like and how I like it

I'm right here to stay when I want to stay I'll be right in my prime Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight Having a wonderful time Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do

Just take it from me I'm just as free as any daughter I do what I like Just what I like and how I love it I'm right here to stay When I'm old and grey I'll be right in my prime Living in the sunlight Loving in the moonlight Having a wonderful life

This is BBC Radio 6 Music.

Turn on the mule The last thing that your hands will feel Your final flight can't be delayed Go and just sky it so serene Your big fat lips let go a scream You fry and melt, I love the scene Sometimes I

The streets are cold and lonely

And the flames have taken hold At least you left your life in stone And for as far as I can see Tin-twisted grills grin back at me Bad money dies, I love the city Sometimes

Stone Rose has made a stone on six music just reminded me of the film Spike Island which I think is coming out in March time so you should go and see it's very very good indeed and that's a British film is it about about these kids around the time of Spike Island gig and about them Stone Rose being their heroes and yeah it's really good directed by Matt Whitecross and Daniel Lloyd has tweeted in and said hearing Tiny Tim has got to be one of my happiest radio moments of all time

Oh, there you go.

I wonder if that was new to him.

I mean, the first time I heard it, because I knew Tiptoe Through the Tulips and stuff like that.

And always, you know, sort of knew the freakish side of Tiny Tim.

And I guess that is one of the more ludicrous songs, Living in the Sunlight.

But wow, the first time I heard that just blew my mind.

I just thought this is very, very good.

Because he also did more kind of like he was genuinely talented.

Yeah.

And did more sort of bluesy stuff as well as that.

And he had a very long career.

Nicola however says he scares me due to the inexplicably due to explicably reminding me of rent-a-ghost Mr. Claypole.

Yeah I suppose yeah he doesn't look a lot like him but I see where you're coming from.

Right I want to speak to you about this because I was listening to Sean Keaveney the other morning who on a Friday always has Professor Brian Cox as his guest on the phone and this is what happened.

Potentially one of the reasons why a lot of water came back to the earth after its formation to form the oceans.

was that I think it was, now which one was it?

I think it was Uranus that was thought to have been thrown out into the outer solar system by a gravitational interaction.

Uranus.

I think it was Uranus.

That's not how you see it.

Well, some people do.

I mean, that's a bone of contention, isn't it?

You're going for Uranus.

Obviously.

I think it was Uranus.

It's not Uranus.

See, I got in touch with a friend of mine, Miss Smith, who's an actual geography and science teacher.

to ask her about this and you know she's got to stand in front of pupils and talk about this kind of thing and apparently it's a standard teaching method used to avoid teenagers losing concentration in the class.

You will change names of things that are part of the syllabus to stop them laughing.

Surely that's illegal, you shouldn't be allowed to do that.

Sort of historical revisionism almost, isn't it?

Just for the sake of keeping things above board.

But it's difficult though, isn't it?

Because it's very chucklesome when someone does, you know, talk about

You're anus.

Well, there's other examples in French.

I suppose you could say, well, it's only chucklesome if you're a silly and mature man.

But I defy you to start bandying that planet name around properly pronounced to a bunch of 10 year olds or 15 year olds and not get quite a chucklesome reaction.

In French, you have le chat for cat, le piscine, which also gets a bit of a chuckle.

Yeah.

In German, the word six is sex.

You wouldn't say, you wouldn't use the T on chat, though, would you?

You'd say le chat.

Well, I'm not French.

You don't say shit.

I don't think shit is maybe a ruder way of saying it.

I'm not sure.

German.

My German teacher, instead of saying the word sex, which says sex, would zed it up, and zex it up.

Geography.

Apparently one of the tectonic plates is called the Juan de Fuza, which is spelled F-U-C-E.

Now if you're a kid reading that in a, you know, in a book syllabus, and it is part of the Pacific Ring of Fire as well, which has the double whammy.

Also in science in particular, talking about the science of digestion and using lots of words for people's waste.

You know, it's like, you have to talk about it in class.

How do you stop them laughing when you say, you know, words like faeces or stool?

Yeah, but I mean, there's no way of getting around that, is there?

I mean, you just have to, it's a question of how you deliver it.

Um, whereas, I think, however serious you are, if you come out with your anus, that is going to cause chuckling with some of the immature members of the class.

Not with Dr. Buckles, obviously, because I'm above that kind of thing.

But my son is doing a project about, um, the solar system at the moment.

How does he see it?

Well, he's absolutely fine with it.

And I kept on I kept on saying it like the proper way and looking at him and see, it's the proper way.

Yeah, I would say that it is.

I remember they used to be on the news as well.

They always struggle with it.

And I think Jan Leeming used to have some very extreme ways of mispronouncing it to get beyond the chuckles of nature of it.

She would say things like Uranus and

I don't know if she actually used that one, but there was certainly some fairly mangled pronunciation going on in order to avoid anyone thinking about bottoms.

I think we must have some teachers listening as well, so if you've any other examples.

So you're spearheading a campaign for proper pronunciation of Uranus?

Yeah, don't adopt this standard teacher method of changing things.

Yeah.

You know, and Professor Brian Cox, you should know better.

I think it was Uranus.

It's not Uranus, it's Uranus.

Well, maybe if someone is listening who knows Brian Cox they can ask him to comment and he might well have a, he's a clever guy, he might well come out with some, if he's saying it, he's got to have a good reason for it and it can't just be smirky smugness, smuggles, smircles.

Anyway, you're listening to Adam and Edith here on BBC Six Music.

I have a song that I've created, Edith, that I would like to play you in the next 15 minutes.

But right now, we are going to play some more music listeners.

And who have we got for them?

Just like John Evelyn said, the breath I've taken ain't the one I'm asked to go on The demon ain't been in your hands, so you understand who's boss My dear feet slip, start to turn with her success Oh, this is wrong This is wrong This is from the top

And she needs you, this is for Matilda And she needs you, this is for Matilda Just like Jonathan said, the breath of Jake and Anne One eye must to go on But with a bit in your hand, so you understand who's born

This is wrong This is wrong This is wrong

And life is wonder to us at the end of Matilda And she needs you, this is why Matilda And she needs you, this is why Matilda

This is wrong Matilda This is wrong Matilda Matilda Matilda Matilda

Hello, I'm Sean Keavney.

You know, we've been inventing television shows and radio shows.

It's just what we do.

We just sort of pour out of us.

And I've been thinking about Inspector Morse a lot.

It would be great if there was a literal interpretation of Inspector Morse.

Wouldn't it be like, so Morse, what do we do now?

Bring her in for questioning?

Do you really think she's done it, Morse?

I think it's going to work.

The Sean Keavney Breakfast Show.

Weekday mornings from 7 on BBC Radio.

But I know that this time I have said too much, been too unkind I try to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies I try to laugh about it, hiding the tears in my eyes

I tried to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies I tried to laugh about it, hiding the tears in my eyes

I know that it's no use that you've already gone away.

I pushed you to limit.

I pushed you too far.

I took you for granted.

I thought that you needed me more.

I would do most anything to get you back by my side.

But I just keep on laughing, hiding the tears in my eyes.

boys do cry you know yeah not as much as girls we talked about that last week hey how you doing listeners Adam and Edith here with you for another 37 minutes on BBC six music and we were talking about domestic attrition I suppose we were calling it last week and indeed the week before I mean it sort of features fairly heavily in my life I suppose I'm more or less obsessed by little domestic confrontations and

And the thing you want to highlight from this week?

Niggles.

Before I do, I had a tweet from Virgil.

He's got a nice Kraftwerk Tour de France pic on his profile there on Twitter.

Appreciate that, Virgil.

He says, hey Adam, still doing domestic wars of attrition?

Yes.

Battlegrounds Chez Nou are one, central heating thermostat.

Two, toaster setting.

Tick and tick for both of those, Virgil.

Do you ever have any wars about those things?

Oh, yeah, there's a whole discussion last night about the different settings on there You know how you can set your central heating to on or all day stroke timed or off.

Yeah type thing I was like, it's freezing.

Can we stick the central heating on a kind of timed on all day sort of things?

Yeah, it's not and

And he was like, yeah, it's on all day at the minute.

I was like, oh, perfect.

He's like, no, all day means that it goes off at night.

And I was like, oh, okay.

And it was just this kind of crazy sort of discussion about what all the different settings actually meant.

It's like, just put it on all day.

Do you know what temperature you're at?

No idea.

I don't get involved in the thermostat.

I leave that well alone.

In fact, it's been put too high for me that I can't even touch it.

because my wife tends to jam it right up to 25 30 sometimes and it's just boiling I like it down I like it frosty 15 is fine thank you very much but you walk about with a coat on no wonder that's true and I am a sort of lardy hairy man so I do have more protection she's very tall and thin bottle onesie

Uh, still there is a lot of, uh, I do go up there and just surreptitiously, do it secretly.

Um, and then the toaster as well, that for a long time, that used to get me very upset when you'd pop your toast in and she jammed it right up to a extra toasty setting.

So I just get burned every single time.

Burned, burned, burned.

And I never learned as well.

It never used to sink in.

It took about 10 years for me to remember to check what it was on.

Anyway, the other thing that gets me wound up, and it shouldn't really because, again, I don't do too much driving in the house.

It's generally my wife that does most of the, you know, she's Brian Ferry, she does most of the ferrying.

I'm not really Brian Ferry and... Not allowed to drive.

Are you not allowed to drive?

No.

No?

Why not?

Because you're incompetent.

Yeah.

Well, do you genuinely not do too much driving?

Well, I do when, well he's not here that often so when I'm not here I do have to do the driving otherwise we'd never get to nursery on time.

But if there's both of us and the car's there,

always, always not the driver.

Right.

Always the passenger.

And what's the state of your car?

You've just got the one child at the moment, right?

One child at the moment, yeah.

It's kind of like the flakes of a sausage roll in the back of the car at the minute.

There's a lot of... So it's low-level filth.

Yeah, it's not quite got stench yet.

Our car is the most disgusting place on the planet.

Not just in the UK.

The planet?

Yeah, in the entire planet.

Apparently I use our car as a cupboard.

Right.

Well, that's another thing.

So I just leave stuff in the boot.

It seems to be like, you know, because our house is not filthy, you know, and and there's a certain level of cleanliness that is maintained and that you want to live with and establishes the norm in the house.

Right.

Everyone's cool with that.

But for some reason, there's a totally different set of rules for the car.

have three kids yeah but you know what i mean i've seen other people's cars and they've got children and i don't know if they are just much more fascistic or what but it's not it's not like our car our car is unbelievable and in the absence and i'm not really allowed to talk about it because

Every, you know, it's like, well, you know, maybe if you drove them around a little bit more, maybe if you did all the runs I had to do, you know, you'd understand, it's not always easy to police the car.

All right, okay.

But in the absence of any statutory underpinning, to quote Leveson, to ensure the cleanliness of the family car, I have sung some very devastating satirical lyrics over the top of a classic tune.

Can you guess which tune I have used?

just fire it off and you'll see.

Here in the car, where the children have been, it's like a big wheelie bin, full of mulder and crap in the car.

Why would you care about keeping it clean?

It's just a driving machine So just drop all your rubbish in the car Biscuit crumbs and Smarties, black banana skin Crisp packets containing deadly toxic waste Rotting apple cores and ancient orange peel Await discovery in every recess

Here in the car there's some very old sweets that have started to melt.

Becoming part of the carpets in the car.

Om nom nom.

Oh tasty.

And down in the well by the passenger seat there's a wonderful treat.

It's an old plastic bottle of wee from an emergency.

Bits of plastic toys from off the front of comics, coffee cups containing putrid baby wipes, mangled mushy monsters, doggy hairs and mad seat covers crusted with mysterious stains.

I took it in to be professionally cleaned But the gazer there screamed when he saw what was inside the car Ah!

This is so horrible!

I have never seen anything so disgusting in all my years of cleaning cars!

This will cost you a hundred pounds to clean, you filthy pig man!

You know they have bins in the outside world, right?

Ever seen one of those?

Hey guys!

Come and look at the car!

of an actual pig man!

I think when you see inside, you will puke on your own shoes!

Cause I'm the only guy that goes and actually gets the car cleaned every now and again.

I mean, I try and do it myself.

I get the Hoover thing.

The thing is that there's a very frustrating, like Dyson yet hasn't, uh, as far as I'm aware, created the ultimate, the car Hoover.

Because someone gave us a little car Hoover.

I think it might even have been my wife actually, uh, who, who got it to assuage me one Christmas and it's just got no power.

You know what I mean?

Like it just, it's, it's like a very old man breathing on you.

Do you need like one of those industrial ones?

It's a bit like a sort of rocket booster on your back that you can wear as a rucksack and you can really get in there.

Yeah.

That's not practical though, is it, Edith?

No.

I just need some new kind of power cell to be invented because I appreciate that it's probably against the laws of physics to have something that small with real sucking power.

There's a joke attached to this, surely, unless it's Justin Bieber.

That's the best I could come up with.

you mentioned the front of comics toys in that in your lyrics it as well yeah ah bane of my life because they love it they they see them in the supermarket please can have that with a little with a little gun and the the cardboard targets please mom please please please i want it so much i've never wanted anything so much in my life

floor of the car and there it stays for the rest of the year till someone takes it out but you don't want to take it out because to do so you will have to engage with putrid bits of pitta and breadsticks and cheese and marmite sandwiches yeah it's a combination combination of sort of healthy snacks

and just moldering junk food.

I forgot.

And now I'm going to have to sort of, you know, say, sorry about the car.

No, that's OK.

And you could see their noses wrinkling and they're just, where exactly should I?

I could sit on my newspaper.

One of the children self-combusted yesterday.

Hey, what are you doing on a Saturday afternoon?

Cleaning the car.

Hey, Adam and Edith here.

It's gone 12.30 and it's time for the news.

This is BBC Radio 6 Music.

HIV warning on World AIDS Day.

Care home regulation not good enough, says minister.

And North Korea plans satellite launch.

6 Music.

BBC News, that's just after 12.30.

I'm Harvey Kirk.

Figures published to mark World AIDS Day suggest around 25,000 people in the UK don't realise they have HIV.

David Cameron says it's time to spread the message about the importance of testing and early diagnosis.

The chief executive of the National AIDS Trust is Deborah Jack.

The sad fact is that around half the people who are diagnosed each year are diagnosed what we call late, which means they should have started treatment.

So in that time their immune system is being damaged, so it's a lot more likely they'll have health problems long term.

The government says the system for regulating care homes in England isn't fit for purpose.

It's put forward ideas for changes, including regular checks on a company's finances.

It wants to avoid a repeat of last year's collapse of Southern Cross.

Protests are being held across Egypt in support of President Morsi's decision to grant himself sweeping new powers.

Demonstrators are also voicing their backing for the draft constitution passed by the Islamist-led assembly.

North Korea says it'll launch a second satellite later this month.

It tried but failed in April.

South Korea, which holds presidential elections later this month, has called the launch provocative.

The Independent Police Complaints Commission's investigating the death of a pedestrian hit by a police car in Surrey.

It's understood the 21-year-old man was walking along the A31 near Guildford early this morning when the accident happened.

And Australia has become the first country in the world to introduce non-branded cigarette packs.

Tobacco companies are being forced to replace their logos with graphic photos of people with smoking-related illnesses.

Andrea Crossfield from the UK anti-smoking group Tobacco Free Futures says it will discourage teenagers.

These standardised packs with much larger, very graphic health warnings remove the last vestiges of glamour and cool from smoking.

So we know that they're much less attractive, particularly to young people.

That's a bit, it's a bit more at 130.

I told my friend I'd check for you He told me that he liked you too But then I saw him kissing you I couldn't lie but he said I'm done, she's mine I'm done, she's mine I'm done, she's mine

I knew that I could wait, although it just might take a thousand years

Now I know he said he been together seven weeks I chat down all those other guys who we see on the street when I say ANZA SHE'S MINE ANZA SHE'S MINE ANZA SHE'S MINE It takes up all my time ANZA SHE'S MINE ANZA SHE'S MINE ANZA FIDATA ANZA FIDATA Kame katee me say don't mess around on Anya Kame katee me say I don't want to catch ya Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Adam Buxton and Edith Bowman on BBC Radio 6 Music I watch you breathing and I wish you'd stand

Only for long enough Long enough

Oh come by, I ask you one last time Did I hold too tight?

It's not a secret you should keep I won't let you slip away

Is it something you miss?

I asked you, would you have stayed?

That's the XX with Chained.

This is Adam and Edith here on BBC Six Music.

I think it's time that we concluded our Memory Bank section.

Fire off the jingle.

Time for some stories you deposited in the Memory Bank The Memory Bank, the Memory Bank We're the nice bank, would you like to bank with us?

All of them are truthful, every now and then they're a little bit frank The Memory Bank, the Memory Bank Ooh, I'm sorry but you're very overdrawn Email us your stories, or text or tweet or send them round with Hank Send them with Hank, send them with Hank to the Memory Bank

still nobody sending their stories around with Hank but that's fine it's not a problem uh i am not halfway through yet so we're fine i've got one last uh story here Edith how many of you i've got one as well yeah all right okay here's uh here's my final story for memory bank this week and this is quite an extreme one i would say uh as far as rudeness goes rude is rudeness is obviously the topic of conversation today

for memory bank and this one is from natalie who actually sent in another story that i read out earlier on so she's going for the double um i was on the till at fop in cambridge one day um fop the record and dvd shop and book and book shop obviously the multimedia palace

um she says i was there one friday afternoon on the till when a shifty looking bloke attempted to pay for his goods with a 20 pound note nothing wrong with that but this one had a rather offensive word stamped in red across our dear queen's noggin a laura lovely laura rude stamping here we read word so i don't know what he's like an art school guy he's made a special stamp with like a rude word on it and

decided to stamp his £20 note.

Anyway, Natalie says I told the customer I wasn't allowed to accept this tender due to the law making it a crime to deface our sovereign.

Which is true, but unsaid, it was mainly because this guy was clearly a massive berk.

The guy said, you're out of order, I'll spend this, he told me and exited the shop.

Five minutes later I heard, oi, being called at me from the front door, eight foot away.

It was the berk.

I told you I'd spend that note he smirked and then he threw up a he threw no he didn't throw up he threw a balled up receipt right into the center of my forehead from eight foot away it was a great shot credit where credit's due the receipt was from super drug next door

where he'd used the £20 note to purchase male protection and other bedroom accessories.

I think she means pillows.

And like the £20 note, the receipt was also stamped with my favourite big red rude word stamp.

I was honestly astounded, says Natalie.

I mean, that's quite extreme.

It's difficult to know where to start with that kind of rudeness.

He's the guy is seeing it through.

At least that's the only good thing you can say about it.

He's, yeah, he's got preconceived ideas of rudeness and the fact that he has a stamp that he walks around stamping things and people with.

He's 100% committed to perpetrating rudeness.

He is Rude Man.

To the fullest of his abilities.

So, you know, it's hard to know how to feel about that.

I wonder where Rude Man is now.

Has anyone else been, you know, a victim of Rude Man's stamps?

Yeah, with his stamp.

Presumably.

Yeah, must be.

He would have just gone on a spree and thought, this is brilliant.

Has he stamped a person before?

With the rude word?

He's going to get in trouble at some point though, isn't he?

Because she's right.

I think it is illegal to deface currency like that.

Yeah.

You can go to Prizon for 100 years.

I've got my last story from Flo and it comes with a song actually as well at the end so this is very nice.

Here's my rude story.

I've been working, had been working in the children's department at the BBC for about two years then they announced their first ever major round of redundancies.

I wasn't affected but some quite major old-school people were leaving.

It was decided that a party in a child-friendly environment is what we needed.

London Zoo was picked as the venue and it promised to be a lavish night.

We'd all been told there would be food at the party, so we decided there was no need to eat before going.

Major error on my part.

There was some finger food out, but not much.

There was a lot of wine on the table, so we started on that instead.

By the time people started arriving, I'd had about a half, one and a half bottles of wine to myself.

Danger!

Pudsy!

Come on!

I was now wanting the party to get started, but my mate said there would be a raft of speeches to get through before any dancing.

I was miffed.

Miffed.

The speeches started and went on and on.

My head of department, a formidable lady with a reputation for being quite hard-faced, took to the stage.

Imagine the Maggie Thatcher of kids TV.

She started thanking anyone and everyone and in my mind going on and on.

It was at that point I snapped.

I was done.

I was done waiting for the party to start.

I got up on the stage and slid along the wall in a stealth-like fashion, or so I thought.

Convinced she hadn't spotted me, I remember looking down from the stage and seeing my friends shaking their heads and mouthing at me, don't do it.

Don't do it!

My head of department suddenly saw me but kept going with her speech, letting it trail off as she turned round to see what the hell was going on.

With that, I sidled up next to her, grinning like an idiot and waiting for a point in which to interrupt.

The moment came.

I grabbed the microphone off her.

I remember some to-ing and fro-ing as she held on to it.

She relented and gave up the microphone, at which point I exclaimed, cheers Anna, turn into the DJ, let's get this party started!

Oh my god, she's a nightmare!

Who is that person?

Flow.

Flow, you need to be locked up.

Bottle and a half of wine, then she gets on.

Thanks, I'll have that, yeah.

All right, let's get the party started.

Flow is a nightmare.

Even with the Maggie Thatcher of kids TV up there.

I totally appreciate that it was probably a very boring speech raft, but still.

I'm just gonna creep up on this stage, no one will see.

And then I just have that microphone.

Thank you very much.

And I think we'll get the party started, don't you think?

Yes, thank you very much.

Here we go.

Don't forget it once all.

It's fine.

But why are you shaking your head?

Why are you shaking your head?

And this is that tune.

Every time she hears it now, she has the fear.

My favourite!

Return of the man, oh yeah.

I know that I know my man.

Why you shaking your head?

Well I tried to tell you soon, but I guess you didn't move.

As they say the story goes, baby now I got the flow.

Cause I knew it from the start, baby when you broke my heart.

Now sometimes I say that I love you You're mine to make Yes I try, yes I try You're mine to make

Cause what you did you know was wrong And all the nasty things you've done So baby listen carefully While I sing my comeback song You lied to me She said she'd never turn on me You lied to me But you did, but you did You lied to me All this pain you said I'd never feel You lied to me

But she said she'd never turn on me You lied to me But you did, but you did her You lied to me All this pain you said I'd never feel

BBC Radio 6 Music.

It's an old friend with a really good record collection.

It's always great to hear new things.

This is what 6 Music's all about, is to be able to give the audience what they're searching for.

Tunage of the highest order.

They've got one foot in the past and one foot in the future.

The presenters have a passion for music.

I'm turning into a complete guitar anorak today.

Music is my religion.

A lot of the DJs were or are musicians themselves.

It's called getting dumb.

I grew up on that stuff.

Everybody's really in it for the music.

It is a visceral, emotional roller coaster.

Ludicrous snare sound on that.

A music-loving radio station.

Nice.

Getting all nice and warm now.

Hello, I'm Gary Garvey.

I'm Keris Matthews.

Jarvis Cocker's Sunday Service.

This is Giles Peterson.

Ladies and gentlemen, there's always sunshine here on the Hughie Show.

Hello, I'm Tom Robinson.

Fasten your seatbelts.

Let's create your own Funk and Soul Show.

This is Weekends on BBC Radio.

Sister, what did you do?

Black Keys and Sister from the album El Camino.

Six music.

Thanks everybody for all your stories from memory banks as well.

So many great ones coming in.

Very funny ones.

On that song, the Black Keys song, he sounds like he's got the guitar from Girl Like You by Edwin Collins.

You know that one?

Yeah.

Wow, that was good, wasn't it?

Nice bit of tuneful singing there.

Hey, I would like to thank all the people that sent me nice messages about my hard drive as well.

People giving me advice for how I could perhaps revive it.

I did try a lot of those.

Stuck it in the fridge.

A couple of people suggested that.

Put it in a sealed Tupperware box overnight in the freezer.

You reckon?

I reckon.

I don't know.

cover it in chocolate and a couple of marshmallows and stick it in the oven for 20 minutes.

Smash it with a hammer, pop it down your trousers, did all that, none of it worked unfortunately but thank you very much, really appreciated your suggestions.

And so who are we going to send the bears home with this week?

Well, we've got someone, so they've spent the week in Italy with Flight Dispatcher Sandy, they're off to Ipswich.

Ipswich, whoa, big style.

Where they will act as muses to professional cartoonist Ryan Bayliss.

Oh, well there you go, that's good.

He's going to draw them into a comic strip.

amazing, they're having such a great time.

I was pouring scorn on Ipswich, sorry about that, but Ryan Bayliss, wow, he's a talented man.

I'm looking at some of his designs now and they're very good, so they're bears gonna be incorporated now, that's excellent.

Check out their journey so far actually, it's up on the website bbc.co.uk 4-6 music and click on our faces on

And on the website you can also, of course, check out the picture of the hare that's in the post.

You've got a name for it?

We don't have a name for it yet.

Someone suggested Hare of the Bog, so we'll tip it.

But the thing is that it's not bitten me, so that sort of seems to imply that the Hare of the Bog might bite me, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

No, I don't want to do that.

It's been there for three weeks.

No, I don't think it's going to happen.

It's on the fourth floor, if you want to find it, if you come to.

But don't touch it.

Yeah, don't touch it.

Don't touch it.

If it goes, I'm going to be upset.

Leave it.

Hello.

It's never done it to you.

Nice to see you.

Every week, it's nice to see it there, you know, it's just a little friendly, friendly hair.

So I'm not trying to, I'm not saying that it should, for some reason, be cleaned away.

No, because we hope we might be joined by some friends next week.

So, you know.

Yeah, exactly.

Might be a little hair bear bunch up there next week.

Nice.

And who knows who it could belong to?

I mean, the mind boggles.

There's so many talented... I think Lauren.

I wasn't going to actually say any names of people that it could belong to.

I don't think it is, but... It's blonde?

It's not blonde.

It's dark.

It's blonde.

It looks blonde.

Listen, this is a dangerous conversation to be having.

All right.

But folks, thank you so much for listening.

Really appreciate all your messages and everything.

I've got a last Bowie trivia for you.

Oh yeah, go on, hit me.

Okay, on Bowie trivia, what connection did Bowie's mother have with the cinema?

Some rod in Grimsby.

Bowie's mother with the cinema?

That's difficult.

I'd be guessing, I wouldn't know.

Guess then.

She went there to see a film?

she was an usherette she was an usherette damn my eyes i should have known that i know his dad worked for bernardo's but i that wasn't the question i know but do i get any points no just um if you fancy going to the cinema this weekend speaking of which there's a great film out called sightseers that your friend alice lowe's in yes and steve orham

So go and check it out.

It's a very good watch.

Yes, I've heard lots of good things.

Ben Wheatley, of course, is the director of that.

Super talented guy.

Yeah, good for them.

I'm really glad to see them having such success with it.

I'm excited to see it myself.

Well, thanks so much for listening, ladies and gentlemen.

We'll be back with you at the same time next Saturday, ten till one.

The podcast of this show will be available to download later this evening, I think.

Thanks to our super hardworking production team.

Thank you to them.

and we'll try and get another memory bank subject up for the podcast yeah we might try and say what it is in the in the podcast and who knows what other secret little nuggets might be nestled in there in that podcast for your listening pleasure so do download it Liz is up next she's gonna be joined by a Paul from orbital nice so stay tuned for that and we'll see you next week take care

Where to begin?

We are North Americans.

And for those of you who still think we're from England, we're not.

No.

We've been on planes and on trains till we think we might die.

Far from North America, where the buildings are old and you might have lots of mimes.

Uh-huh.

Cause we're North Americans But if we act all shy, it'll make it okay Makes it go away Oh I don't know, I don't know, oh where to begin When we're North Americans But in the end make the same mistakes all over again Come on North Americans

Christians might have disagreed Here in North America But New York's the only place for keeping them off the street Boo, boo, now We can't have parties like in Spain where they go all night Shut down in North America Or like Berlin where they go another night Alright, uh-huh

I love this place that I've grown to know